The Ordinary Sims: A Red Dawn

Day Two:



So we carry on where we left off. Here is James's lift to work, which is about to leave. I can't remember what job James is supposed to do.



Wait a second... Who is this??
Why it's our new housemate, Dave Tobbison!



Now that he has arrived, there is no rush in meeting his new friends. Dave is simply content standing outside in the snow and reading the paper. That Garfield, eh, Dave? Always up to his old tricks.



Meanwhile, inside the house, Me and Carl eat our breakfast whilst James sits in the only chair and talks about the theatre. Mark peers out of the window at the snow, giggling like a schoolgirl and thinking of Dave. Ross is at work.



Well seeing as Ross greedily kept the whole bed to himself all night, causing us some discomfort, he can clean up the mess himself.



Ah, well apparently possessing the ability to clean up a food fight qualifies Ross to perform life-saving procedures in the back of an ambulance. At least that means we'll get more money.



Ross is home! Let's spend his well-earned money on beds and chairs.



Wait, what?
It appears that when Dave moved in, he brought all of his house-buying funds with him. Time to really splash out and get us some nice gear!



Pictured: A sofa; a PC; a huge TV; a telescope; a strange exercise gadget; a telephone; a painting easel; and a double bed.
Not pictured: Dave's very pissed off bank manager.



You can't see it clearly in this picture, but Carl has very visible stink lines coming off him, I do not hide my disgust. Dave and James discuss the merits of overly-swanky clothing.



After a long night of sleeping outside, James takes a power-nap in the new bed. Carl ensures that any visitors will get the full force of his stink.



Dave shows us his artistic side, while Ross does some neighbourhood watch. Carl does not believe that Dave should be spared the stench that he has to live with.



Carl gets some beauty sleep. Me and Mark express our joy at having a brand new sofa.



Okay... So, I was tired. And this was the only bed available...

It means nothing that I got in bed with James and instantly dreamt about kissing.



Not content with forcing Carl to sleep outside all night, Ross comes into the room where Carl is sleeping and starts playing computer games, with the volume turned right up. Carl wakes up and decides that he still hates Ross. Mark dreams of himself. Notice that the Mark in his own dreams looks slightly less Asian than the real Mark.



Tut, tut.



Earlier there was an event that I sadly missed screenshots of. Some guy with a beard and a kilt stormed into our kitchen and shouted at Ross while he was making a sandwich. Apparently Ross now hates that guy so much that his thought bubble sets on fire when he thinks of him.



Nothing has happened for a while. Me, Mark and James have slept; Ross has walked around fuming about that Scottish guy; Dave has been eating; and Carl has lain on his bed thinking about each individual house member. James has just got up and put food in the oven.



Oh Shiiii-
Don't just stand there, somebody call the fire brigade!



Somebody call them... Anybody?... James looks like he's about to do a runner.



Somehow, despite the fire raging for half an hour now, and the guys in the kitchen screaming for just as long, Me and Mark remain asleep. Carl, on the other hand, is awake. I get the impression that the horrified screaming soothes him.



Carl has woken up! He immediately does what any sane man would do, he sprints into the kitchen and jumps into the fucking fire!



No, Carl! Fire burns! We've been over this!



Carl is a human torch at this point, and Ross decided that he wanted some attention, so he too set himself alight.



This is where I decided enough was enough and ordered Mark to phone the fire brigade. Which he does. And then, Mark, being trained in the art of health and safety, finally does the senseible thing.



AND RUNS INTO THE BLAZING ROOM! Thus, becoming the third person to be set alight.



The fire brigade is here! Wait... one of these people isn't a fireman, and isn't one of us...

Carl? Where's Carl?!

DAMN YOU, GRIM REAPER! DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!



People deal with grief in different ways. Dave, having never met Carl, mourns him. Mark takes the trash out, but he does it quite solemnly. James - who basically caused Carl's death by setting the kitchen on fire - eats cereal.



I take the loss quite well, by retreating into the hothouse of insanity that is my mind.



I mourn Carl how he would want to be mourned, by acting like a chicken.



My insanity comes second only to the desire to poop. Ross passes out within inches of an empty and ready made bed. I order James to clean up the ashes, so that I can buy us new appliances.



"Five there are, yet six there were set out this morning. Tell me, Mark, Where is Carl? For I much desire to speak with him."



James makes a snap decision. And that decision is that he has not caused enough damage in this kitchen, so he will tarnish our new sink by taking a spongebath in it. Nobody was in the shower at the time.



mark stands within three feet of the fridge and complains about hunger. What a dick.



Ross' transport came during the fire. He had more important things to worry about.



Mark, using logic I will never understand, got some food out of the fridge, then put it down right infront of the oven. Then he got some more food out, and complained because he couldn't access the oven, and neither can James. Mark is literally the worst person to live with.



This looks like a scene from a Whodunnit. Nobody would suspect the timid old chinese butler!



MARK! STOP GETTING FOOD OUT OF THE FRIDGE! YOU ARE NOT HELPING MATTERS!

Now that Mark has put food items on every surface, nobody can even make food that doesn't require cooking. That means people can't eat.



Ross! No! Mark has caused Ross to starve to death.



I do the only thing that I can to prevent Ross from dying, I beg the Grim Reaper to spare him. Will this heartfelt plea for Ross' life thaw Death's icy heart?



No, no it will not.

Ross, my friends, has died.



I removed the obstructions to prevent more deaths.
James is cooking pasta, but wait a second... Did he not just put food in the oven moments before?



Dammit, James! It is not humanly possible to be this inept at cooking!



Not wanting another incident, I ordered Mark to call the fire brigade straight away.
James once again situates himself furthest from the flame, giving onlookers the impression that he was an innocent bystander.



Crisis averted. Although, I have once more misplaced my marbles.



And here is the end of a very long day in the Tobbington household. We finish with James going to work, and mark passed out in the kitchen. I still do not know what James does for a job.

The Ordinary Sims: The Beginning

[Some images can be clicked to enlarge. (Actually only the first two. After that I found a better way of posting them.)]

A while back I mentioned that I would be starting a series of updates involving The Sims 2. Well, that time has come, so here is what I had in mind:

A guy called Fermun had an idea on the Juvenile Comedy forums a while ago. His idea was to make Sims households wherein the characters were forum members, and basically he would leave them to do whatever it is Sims do when they are not being controlled, and he documented it. The results were hilarious.

I asked him if he'd mind me using the idea to make households consisting of me and my friends, purely for the entertainment factor, he said I could, so I will do exactly that. I'll be posting the updates on this Blog whenever I have the time to play a new update. I have no idea if this will work out well, and I'd do well to make it half as funny as the original, but what the hell - I have nothing better to do.

The updates will be done in Sims-time days, one at a time. So I will play a household, watch it for 24 hours of ingame time (30 - 40mins, I think) and take screenshots of any interesting things that happen. Occasionally I will send them on a night out or something similar, for variation, we'll just see how it goes really.

Let me introduce you to the first household:

The Tobbingtons

From left to right: James, Jack(Me), Carl, Ross and Mark.

To create the housemates, I randomised until I was relatively happy with an appearance, then changed hair, glasses, facial hair and sometimes clothes to suit the person. I gave each Sim their counterpart's real Zodiac sign (this affects personality), and I chose two turn-ons and one turn-off for each Sim. I handed out random aspirations.

Just for the record, I took individual screenshots of the housemates before I realised the family screen (above) would render them obsolete. On my first attempt at Ross, he yawned and looked away. I let him recover and tried again, and this happened:











I have no idea what he is doing, but Mark may be just out of shot.

James, on the other hand, spent the entire time on the 'Create a Family' screen acting entirely fed up. He clearly had better things to be doing with his time.

Day One



The Tobbingtons arrive at their new home. Unlike most people - who would have a look around their new house - they just stand outside. James and Ross talk about being friends, Me and Mark play slaps while Carl stares at my ear with murderous intent.



Ross and James happily discuss... what is that? A Doomsday device?... They discuss something. Meanwhile, Me and Carl play catch, excluding Mark. Up to this point neither of us had managed to catch the ball once. Carl is about to drop the ball again. But he's a good sport, right?



Wrong. Carl takes out his frustration by throwing the ball at me as hard as he can. Mark doesn't seem to give a shit.



Aw shucks, he didn't mean to! Who else wants to play?



KABLAMOW!
Note the expression on Carl's face. Was this another accident?



Almost 3 hours after arriving at our new house, Me, Ross and James decide to venture inside. We don't look around. Instead, we just make something to eat. I was first in the house so I nab the only chair we possess, this is one of many problems in our house, see if you can spot the biggest as we go along. Mark and Carl decide to stay outside and play Punch Me - Punch You, a game that doesn't deviate far from its title.



Me and Ross finish eating at the same time. I show off my impressively fast metabolism; Ross, meanwhile, stares down James as he eats his sandwich.



The Tobbingtons have some visitors!



Hello there, Jason Greenman! I see you've brought your wife--



WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!? Seriously, I hope these two never have kids.



When visitors come, Sims are supposed to go out and greet them. The Tobbingtons do things differently. As you can see here, absolutely nobody is talking to anyone else. The family aren't even talking amongst themselves. The plant lady rang the doorbell several times, but we chose to ignore it. Great hospitality, guys!



"Hey, Carl. Erm, nice coat. Been doing some indecent exposure, have we? No, no, I don't need to see. I'm just gonna head over this way for a while."

The only clothes I set were the casual everyday clothes. This game seems to know Carl very well.



Mark doesn't appreciate Carl's bodily functions properly. If Mark wants to stand in the bathroom, ain't nobody gonna tell him otherwise.



Our visitors leave, disheartened. Nobody greeted them during their stay, they were here for over an hour.



Carl makes some food, along with the ever-eating Ross. James reads a book on his bed, and I ponder my hatred for Mark.



James talks to me about his favourite subject - himself. Mark eats a TV Dinner.

This Gypsie has been outside for a while. She keeps ringing the doorbell but no-one feels like answering.



Mark takes the trash out after his meal. Ross worryingly takes this opportunity to tickle him.
When Ross is finished, Mark begins a game of Punch Me - Punch You with Carl. He delivers 3 playful jabs to Carl's arm. Now it's Carl's turn to retaliate.



Oh shiiiiit!



Carl's kind of a dick. I hope everyone has learned by now not to play games with him.



My screenshot button-pressing finger wasn't quite fast enough. But Ross just outright pelted Carl in the face with a water balloon. Look away, kids. This could get nasty.



After a manic chase around the house, Carl throws a balloon with the force and accuracy of an anti-vehicle sniper round. Ross gets knocked flat on his ass. I'd also be willing to guess that Carl's payback is not yet over. Hell hath no fury like a hobo scorned.



James likes his TV Dinners black - Like his soul.



The time is approximately 18:00. Ross has just gone inside after his incident with Carl. Carl stands outside at the corner of the house, and stares at the wall. This is the opposite side of the house to the road. All that surrounds him are trees. He contemplates his hatred of Ross.



Yep. He sure hates Ross.



For those of you who guessed our dilemma earlier, well done. If you didn't, then let me explain. The house has one bed and no sofa. Sims cannot sleep conventionally on the floor and the family cannot afford any beds or sofas. I intervened and have given Ross and James jobs, which start in the morning. But first - will they get through the night? Ross has taken the only bed and gone to sleep. James is the first to fall. He chooses his spot and passes out, I glance down for a moment then go inside. I don't have the patience for this kind of tomfoolery.



7 and a half hours of standing in a corner and hating Ross has pooped out Carl. 1:50am and he too passes out. Passing out is one of Carl's fears, so he loses morale. During his time in the corner, Carl alternated between hating Ross and thinking about finding a treasure map. He's a complicated fella.



Mark makes a dash for the bookcase, presumably to find some literature to help him stay awake, he fails.

3 of the 4 without a bed have passed out. Obviously the 4th one is made of sterner stuff. Who is that again? Oh, yeah, it's Me!



Oh... I didn't even finish my 3am poptart.



Look who's awake and fresh as a daisy! Can you spot the other housemates? Just after this picture the paperboy saw this sight, and did not give a shit about the body by his postbox. He's just a man doing his job.



What's up, Ross? Can't get at the table to eat my poptart? Maybe you should have thought about that before taking the only bed!



James is awake and pooping. Carl is asleep. In his corner. Outside. In the snow.



Ross heads off to his first day of work.



As Day One ends, Carl wakes up and complains that he needs the toilet. Sims are perfectly capable of going themselves, but I think he wants me to install one in his corner. He doesn't seem to care about the snow. He's spent 14 hours in that corner and his pervert coat is plenty warm enough.

Some comics

Here are just a couple of comics I 'shopped for a thread on Cracked.com. Follow the link to the thread if you feel like whittling away a few minutes of your time. It's a good laugh, a lot of funny contributions there.




I'll update with something proper soon.

My week in a nutshell

When I started this Blog I made myself a promise, and that promise was that I will update at least once a week. As you may have noticed, I haven't updated for over a week. I'm not going to make a habit of this. Basically, my week started well and went downhill, then dropped off a cliff. I saw Batman, it was awesome. I had a few long days at work, not so awesome. And then, sadly, my dog of 13 years was put down because of a cancerous tumour on her spleen. She was greatly loved and will be missed. But I won't dwell on that here.

I have been reading some Blogs and have found some corkers that should be checked out. One is 'The Silly Addiction', which is updated regularly by a writer and all round funny guy from Cracked.com. Seriously, read this. Tim - the guy who writes it - is genuinely hilarious, the Blog is about his commitment to quitting a lifelong addiction to gaming.
The other Blog which you must read is something that I was linked to from 'The Silly Addiction', the Blog is called 'Living in Oblivion', it follows the adventures (or non-adventures as it may be) of a man's journey through the amazing game The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. But not as a questing, adventuring hero, as a funny-looking bald chap named Nondrick. The effort that is put into avoiding adventure and living like a normal NPC is highly amusing, and the whole thing is written so well. Just read it from the start, you'll enjoy it. Especially if you've played Oblivion.

Quite soon I will be starting a journal of life in the Sims 2 for me and my friends. It will consist of me making a family and documenting all the weird shit they do when they aren't being controlled. It's an idea I was given by a guy called Fermun, who has done something very similar (although far funnier than I could manage) on the Juvenile Comedy forums. I'll explain more, closer to the time.

The great iPod conspiracy!

Recently I came into some money. The video is available on most major adult video sites.

No, no, I kid! In reality I didn't suddenly gain a lot of money, I just simply gathered and counted all of the money that was lying around my house in opened and half-emptied pay packets. These pay packets were lying around everywhere, amidst the spent hookers and empty whiskey bottles that I frequently have in my home.

The money amounted to a little over £600, I was rather pleased. Subtracting £200 to put aside ready to give to a friend I'm indebted to (He breaks shins more often than most of us break wind), I decided to treat myself. "An iPod!" I exclaimed to no-one in particular. It was the perfect plan.

Now I realise you may be reading this and thinking, "Dude, iPods are old news.", but before you crack out the big book of new fads, I ain't some old man who's recently discovered electricity. I did have an MP3 player, it was beautiful, a Creative Zen model. However, in an incident that has since gone unexplained, long-story-short: Singapore broke my Zen!

So, I went online, decided upon a model, the 80gb iPod classic, in silver so it doesn't get muddled up with my brother's. Yes, that's right, the classic model. You can keep your Nano and your Touch and your Shuffle and whatever else the Japanese decided to shrink to a suppository size. I want an iPod that won't be misplaced every time I sneeze.

I found a deal on Amazon.co.uk. The going rate for this model of iPod appears to be £159.99, however, on Amazon there was a deal for £147. Score! I ordered it, along with a mains charger, which apparently doesn't come in the pack, and a blue soft silicon skin. To protect the screen, and also to make my iPod look cool.

Bam! I hit the 'Buy' button and the transaction was complete. This morning my mains charger and skin arrived. I was excited, would my iPod come in the next post?

No.

No it wouldn't.

Instead I got a phone call from a company called eXpansys. I didn't realise this was the company I bought my iPod from, it didn't state that I was buying it from another seller through Amazon, as it normally would. Apparently, due to a "human error" they had simply failed to put on Amazon that the iPods they sell are not brand new, they are second hand iPods which have been "Refurbished". I believe that means that they have deleted the songs and wiped it with a cloth.

But, I'm not one to judge, everyone makes mistakes. Surely they just forgot to put 'Refurbished' on the sales page, and instead left it blank. That's an easy mistake to make.
If only they made that mistake. They actually put "Brand New Product." and later "If packaging is damaged upon delivery, do not sign for the product or your insurance is void". Hold on. Are they trying to tell me that whoever wrote that page got to a certain section and had a seizure, causing their hands to flop listlessly across the keyboard, perfectly typing out that the product is brand new, as well as a legal disclaimer.

So, this Yorkshire sounding lady on the phone asked me the question "Would you still like to purchase this product?"

What?

You are asking me if I want to continue buying a second-hand product that costs £12 less than a brand new one?

Are you fucking loopy?

No.

No, I do not wish to buy a £147 iPod that has been used and owned, despite how much effort you clearly put into deleting the memory and removing any traces of pocket lint.

I tried to find the Amazon page to show you, but I couldn't. I am fairly certain that this company makes their money from people who are too stupid to refuse to buy their used products after the deceit and lies.

The good news is, I have now bought a new iPod off a respectable company, for the retail price, with free delivery. And it should arrive tomorrow.

(Waiting for) The Dark Knight

This film has so much hype, and frankly it looks awesome. Everything is looking good for it, from the gritty realism of 'Batman Begins', to the late Heath Ledger's astounding (or so I'm told) performance as the Joker. And let's not forget Christian Bale, one of the best actors around today. A proper method actor who puts his heart and soul into his work.

But... I know people in Australia who have already seen 'The Dark Knight', I think it comes out either today or tomorrow in most of the U.S., yet us faithful fans in Britain, we have to wait until next Thursday! A whole week in which I can avoid any internet article or otherwise that mentions the subject, while the rest of the world tells each other how good it was.

Yes, I know some countries like Denmark and such don't get it for weeks, but I don't care about them. I care about me.

Pfft, I'm gonna go and watch 'Batman Begins'.

Edit: And to those select few who think they know best and tried to ban this film as an insult to the memory of Heath Ledger - Fuck you.

The man was a great actor. Sure, he made mistakes, and it was tragic that he left a young child. But the last thing an actor would want after their death is for one of their greatest performances; a project they put blood, sweat and tears into, the would-be 'Swan-song' of their career, to be banned.

Welcome to the Lackadaisical Regime!

Hello, and welcome to my poor excuse for a Blog. 'The Lackadaisical Regime' name means something clever and witty, I'm sure. When you figure it out, please don't hesitate to tell me.

In September 2008, whether that be in the future, as it is at the time of writing this, or in the past, as it may be at some point at a later date, or even in the present, as it will be when... I forgot where I was going with this. Anyway, September 2008 I start University to do a combined course in Journalism and Creative Writing. This blog is a place for me to write regularly, mainly so I can work on my currently horrific prose and write listlessly without fear of ruining any of the stories I'm currently working on. You can expect to see anything here. From me complaining about my day, to venting about the news, to rambling absolute nonsense in a drunken stupor. Comments are welcome.

I give no promise that I will update regularly.

This text is bold, and therefore you are more likely to read it.

I'll check back when I have something interesting to say.